Helen Zaltzman

This is the Tranquillusionist, in which I, Helen Zaltzman, give your brain a break by temporarily supplanting your interior monologue with words that don't make you feel feelings. Note: this is NOT a normal episode of the Allusionist, where you might learn something about language and your brain might be stimulated. The Tranquillusionist's purpose is to soothe your brain and for you to learn very little, except for something about Zeus's attitude to bad drivers. There's a collection of other Tranquillusionists at theallusionist.org/tranquillusionist, on themes including champion dogs, Australia's big things, gay animals and more. Today: constellations that got demoted into ex-constellations, featuring airborne pregnancy, cats of the skies, and one of 18th century London's most unpopular multi-hyphenates. Find the episode's transcript, plus more information about the topics therein, at theallusionist.org/ex-constellations. To help fund this independent podcast, take yourself to theallusionist.org/donate and become a member of the Allusioverse. You get regular livestreams with me and my collection of reference books, inside scoops into the making of this show, watchalong parties eg the new season of Great British Bake Off, and Taskmaster featuring my brother Andy. And best of all, you get to bask in the company of your fellow Allusionauts in our delightful Discord community. This episode was produced by me, Helen Zaltzman, with music composed by Martin Austwick of palebirdmusic.com. Find @allusionistshow on Instagram, Facebook, Threads, Bluesky, TikTok, YouTube etc. Our ad partner is Multitude. If you want me to talk lovingly and winningly about your product or thing on the show in 2024, sponsor an episode: contact Multitude at multitude.productions/ads . This episode is sponsored by: • Home Chef , meal kits that fit your needs. For a limited time, Home Chef is offering Allusionist listeners eighteen free meals, plus free shipping on your first box, and free dessert for life, at HomeChef.com/allusionist . • Squarespace , your one-stop shop for building and running your online universe. Go to squarespace.com/allusionist for a free 2-week trial, and get 10 percent off your first purchase of a website or domain with the code allusionist . • Bombas , whose mission is to make the comfiest clothing essentials, and match every item sold with an equal item donated. Go to bombas.com/allusionist to get 20% off your first purchase. • LinkedIn Ads convert your B2B audience into high quality leads. Get $100 credit on your next campaign at linkedin.com/allusionist . Support the show: http://patreon.com/allusionist See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info .

This is the Tranquillusionist, in which I, Helen Zaltzman, say a load of words which aren’t really about anything, so that your brain gets a little gentle diversion from thinking and/or feeling. Today: a list of gay animals. Find a transcript at theallusionist.org/gay-animals. Several other Tranquillusionists and nearly 200 Allusionist episodes that are actually about something - are at theallusionist.org. Support the show at theallusionist.org/donate and as well as keeping this independent podcast going, you also get glimpses into how the podsausage is made, regular livestreams and watchalong parties, AND to hang out with your fellow Allusionauts in the delightful Allusioverse Discord community. The Allusionist is produced by me, Helen Zaltzman. Martin Austwick composed and played the original music. Hear Martin’s own songs via PaleBirdMusic.com . Information about gay animals was derived from Bruce Bagemihl's work Biological Exuberance: Animal Homosexuality and Natural Diversity . The Allusionist's online home is theallusionist.org . Stay in touch at facebook.com/allusionistshow, instagram.com/allusionistshow, youtube.com/allusionistshow and twitter.com/allusionistshow . See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info .

A LONG TIME AGO IN THE 1954 MGM MUSICAL BRIGADOON : New York City gents Gene Kelly and Van Johnson are lost in the Scottish Highlands! They want to shoot some birds, but instead stumble upon a village that’s not on the map… Brigadoon! Everyone’s dancing around the town and preparing for a wedding that evening; meanwhile, sister of the bride Cyd Charisse gets to fall in love with Gene Kelly on the heathery hillsides. But something’s weird, and it’s not just the fake Scottish accents, the very tight tartan trousers, the two-dimensional mountains and all the day-drinking: it’s that the village is under an enchantment whereby it only appears on one day every hundred years, and it will disappear forever if anyone tries to leave. Then someone tries to leave! Then Gene Kelly and Van Johnson have to leave before the village goes sleepy-byes for another hundred years. But Gene left his heart behind... Lucky for him, there’s a special wake-up-Brigadoon-early clause buried deep in the small print of the enchantment, because of course there is. Join Jenny Owen Youngs and Helen Zaltzman to investigate the 1954 MGM musical Brigadoon and its many, many mysteries, such as why choose an enchantment with SO many downsides, how Logan Echolls might have seen this, seriously why such a self-owning enchantment, whether the village's crops and foods stay fresh during the 100-year sleeps, and COME ON THINK THIS ENCHANTMENT THROUGH BEFORE CONDEMNING YOUR WHOLE VILLAGE TO IT. For more about this episode, and to read the transcript, visit the podcast’s official site VMIpod.com/brigadoon . VMI will now take a pause; to keep posted about what's coming up on the show, follow @VMIpod on Twitter , Instagram and Facebook and sign up for our mailing list at vmipod.com/vmimail. This episode was edited and mixed by Helen Zaltzman; the music is by Martin Austwick and Jenny Owen Youngs. We have MERCH but only till the end of 2021! And it's currently on deep discount. So you have a very short time to get your beautiful Not Milk T-shirts and pins, and your long lens pins and Gay For Weevil mementoes, at hellomerch.com/collections/veronica-mars-investigations . Support the show: https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=TWQYZDRGZUGH8&source=url See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info .

A LONG TIME AGO IN HOME ALONE : In an enormous house in Chicago, the enormous McAllister family is preparing to leave for a Christmas trip to Paris. But, when designated naughty child Kevin causes a ruckus at dinner, he is sent to sleep in the attic as punishment. Then in the chaos of being such an enormous family with shitloads of kids, the McAllisters accidentally fly off to Paris without Kevin, leaving him Home Alone. Thus, an 8-year-old who has never even packed a suitcase before has to fend for himself in a hostile adult world. AND fend off two serial burglars who are determined to break into the enormous McAllister house! Even after Kevin subjects them to multiple kinds of potentially fatal harm. A grim cavalcade of child neglect and violence: ho ho ho Merrrry Christmas! Join Jenny Owen Youngs , Helen Zaltzman and resident legal expert Lo Dodds to investigate the crimes that take place in the harrowing cavalcade of ultraviolence that is Home Alone , and learn what the penalties would be for such misdeeds as hanging a child on a hook, stealing a toothbrush, leaving your 8-year-old unattended while you jet off to Paris, and shooting a burglar in the dick. Content note: Home Alone contains storylines concerning child neglect and violence. For more about this episode, and to read the transcript, visit the podcast’s official site VMIpod.com/home-alone . And to keep posted about what's coming up on the show, follow @VMIpod on Twitter , Instagram and Facebook and sign up for our mailing list at vmipod.com/vmimail. Next episode, we will be recapping Logan Echolls's favourite film: BRIGADOON ! A once-in-a-hundred-years occasion, so join us mid-December for that. This episode was edited and mixed by Helen Zaltzman; the music is by Martin Austwick and Jenny Owen Youngs. We also have MERCH - get your pins to show your love for Weevil or non-love for milk at hellomerch.com/collections/veronica-mars-investigations . Support the show: https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=TWQYZDRGZUGH8&source=url See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info .

A LONG TIME AGO ON THE VERONICA MARS SPIN-OFF WEB SERIES PLAY IT AGAIN DICK : Ryan Hansen persuades the CW suits to let him make a pilot for a Dick Casablancas spin-off show. So then he has to persuade the Veronica Mars actors to come back to reprise their roles... And then they all film Private Dick ! Wherein Dick Casablancas is a private detective investigating the murders of several beloved Veronica Mars characters. There are masks! Punchings! Sexytimes! Pull-ups! Ghost Cassidy Casablancas! And bikinis as funeral-wear! And a catchphrase that never really takes off? Oh and a big dance number. Twice. Join Jenny Owen Youngs and Helen Zaltzman to investigate the official but non-canonical Veronica Mars spin-off web series Play It Again, Dick , and contemplate such mysteries as why Madison Sinclair is the MVP of the piece, how there is so much filler in such a short show, and why the CW didn't commission a Wallace'n'cookies-focused spin-off The Great Wallace Bake-Off. Content note: Play It Again, Dick contains racist jokes and references to rape and suicide. For more about this episode, and to read the transcript, visit the podcast’s official site VMIpod.com/piad . And to keep posted about what's coming up on the show, follow @VMIpod on Twitter , Instagram and Facebook and sign up for our mailing list at vmipod.com/vmimail. Next episode, our resident legal expert Lo Dodds will be LoDowning all the crimes that take place in Home Alone , so join us back on the pod for that mid-November! This episode was edited and mixed by Helen Zaltzman; the music is by Martin Austwick and Jenny Owen Youngs. We also have MERCH - get your pins to show your love for Weevil or non-love for milk at hellomerch.com/collections/veronica-mars-investigations . Support the show: https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=TWQYZDRGZUGH8&source=url See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info .

A LONG TIME AGO ON VERONICA MARS : • We meet Veronica Mars! High school detective with tiny jackets and flowbee hair, plus a heartbreak, an absent mother, a murdered best friend and a rape to deal with. • We meet Logan Echolls, a rich boy with a rage problem. • We meet Duncan Kane, a human screensaver. • We meet Wallace Fennel, taped to a flagpole then recruited to do Veronica’s bidding for the next several years. Wallace, we have seen the future and you should run! Now ! Run! • We meet Sheriff Lamb, local law enforcement with bad jokes and even worse morals. • And we meet Keith Mars, disgraced ex-sheriff, private investigator and dad of the century - but why’s he being so weird about Veronica surveilling beige billionaire Jake Kane? Join Jenny Owen Youngs , Helen Zaltzman and Sheriff Hrishikesh Hirway to reinvestigate Veronica Mars season 1 episode 1: Pilot , and to dive into such mysteries as why Sheriff Lamb sniffs Wallace, whether Veronica can learn from books by osmosis, what the hell Brits are doing making faces out of meat, why is Weevil wearing a polo shirt when IT COULD HAVE BEEN A HENLEY, and why wearing Speedos with a shirt is somehow more naked than just Speedos. You can hear our original recap, the first ever episode of VMI two years ago, at VMIpod.com/1-01 . Content note: Veronica Mars contains heavy themes, and this episode includes storylines concerning murder, rape and violence. For more about this episode, and to read the transcript, visit the podcast’s official site VMIpod.com/1-01rerecap . And to keep posted about what's coming up on the show, follow @VMIpod on Twitter , Instagram and Facebook and sign up for our mailing list at vmipod.com/vmimail. Next up, we'll be recapping the Dick Casablancas spin-off Play It Again, Dick - so watch that then join us back on the pod mid-October! This episode was edited and mixed by Helen Zaltzman; the music is by Martin Austwick and Jenny Owen Youngs. Lo Dodds brings us the LoDown. We also have MERCH - get your pins to show your love for Weevil or non-love for milk at hellomerch.com/collections/veronica-mars-investigations . Support the show: https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=TWQYZDRGZUGH8&source=url See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info .

Join Jenny Owen Youngs , Helen Zaltzman and our resident legal expert Lo Dodds to answer your questions, and find out all about why you shouldn't represent yourself in court, what you have to do to get a jury trial or a marriage license, whether Veronica has sadness-clothes, and whether showrunners could stop mining the traumas of young female characters for drama. Our next episode will be our rerecap of the pilot - join us to simulwatch one of the finest episodes of television of our lifetimes on 28 August 2021 , at 10pm UK time, 5pm ET, 2pm PT - or breakfast-time on the 29 August for all you Australian heroes. We will be livetweeting at twitter.com/VMIpod , and using the hashtag #VMIwatch . After that, our Veronica Mars Investigating will be done, but the pod won't be! For updates about what we'll be recapping next, and to watch along with us, sign up to our mailing list at vmipod.com/vmimail, and follow @VMIpod on Twitter , Instagram and Facebook. For more about this episode, and to read the transcript, visit the podcast’s official site VMIpod.com/lodown-special. This episode was edited and mixed by Helen Zaltzman; the music is by Martin Austwick and Jenny Owen Youngs. We also have MERCH - get your pins to show your love for Weevil or non-love for milk at hellomerch.com/collections/veronica-mars-investigations . Support the show: https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=TWQYZDRGZUGH8&source=url See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info .

Join Jenny Owen Youngs , Helen Zaltzman and our resident legal expert Lo Dodds to celebrate the completion of the second year of Veronica Mars Investigations, with a parade of outtakes - about what happens to police dogs when they retire, how old is too old to join the FBI, gambling with pasta, and the very real dangers of huffing petrol (especially at any point in time since the Great Depression). Also! We have news about what we’ll be doing for the grand finale of Veronica Mars Investigations! We will be ending at the beginning, with a re recap of the pilot - and before we do, we want to watch it with YOU. Join us to simulwatch one of the finest episodes of television of our lifetimes on 28 August 2021 , at 10pm UK time, 5pm ET, 2pm PT - or breakfast-time on the 29 August for all you Australian heroes. We will be livetweeting at twitter.com/VMIpod , and using the hashtag #VMIwatch . For more about this episode, and to read the transcript, visit the podcast’s official site VMIpod.com/second-birthday. This episode was edited and mixed by Helen Zaltzman; the music is by Martin Austwick and Jenny Owen Youngs. Find the show @VMIpod on Twitter , Instagram and Facebook. We also have MERCH - get your pins to show your love for Weevil or non-love for milk at hellomerch.com/collections/veronica-mars-investigations . Our ad partner is Multitude. To sponsor one of the few remaining episodes of the show, contact them at multitude.productions/ads . Support the show: https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=TWQYZDRGZUGH8&source=url See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info .

Jenny Owen Youngs and Helen Zaltzman are joined again by Special Agent LaToya Ferguson to investigate Veronica Mars season 4 and try to solve its many remaining mysteries, including (but not limited to): who is the fifth lady of Veronica Mars ? Will we ever get more Veronica Mars , and in which forms? Why has it taken so long for Veronica to have a fun night out?? Was Logan fridged? What IS 'fridged'? And was Jane The Therapist the criminal mastermind behind all of it??? Content note: Veronica Mars contains heavy themes, and this episode includes discussions referring to murder, rape and violence. For more about this episode, and to read the transcript, visit the podcast’s official site VMIpod.com/investigations4. This episode was edited and mixed by Helen Zaltzman; the music is by Martin Austwick and Jenny Owen Youngs. Find the show @VMIpod on Twitter , Instagram and Facebook. Support the show: https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=TWQYZDRGZUGH8&source=url See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info .

A LONG TIME AGO ON VERONICA MARS : A thing happens that turned the Marshmallows into Burnt Marshmallows, turned Veronica into a widow, and turned our twitter mentions into a shitshow whenever we said anything even slightly critical of Logan. But before that: this season wraps up some plots! Dodie and Alonzo behead Richard Casablancas, with Matty looking on, and Clyde smiling the tiniest hint of a smile, even pauses on eating his sandwich for a moment. Matty sells the Maloof ring to fund the reopening of the Sea Sprite, the only bit left of the Old Neptune boardwalk, because Big Dick’s plans to gentrify the town still happened even with him gone. Keith’s medical problems are solved offscreen - just a bad combination of meds! He’s back to Keithing around! Although he has to dump Clyde as a friend, although we thought he already did that last episode? Is it our memory that is on the blink? Denouement time: Penn’s the bomber! Or is it murderhead Don? No, he’s a last minute red herring, albeit a herring that has been murdered in an abandoned power plant and made to look like a suicide, and the bomber is definitely Penn and the Marses are stuck in a remote location with him - wait, wasn’t that last episode? Seriously got to get the doctor to check our memory... Tick tick tick can the Marses find the limerick bomb in time? Yes! Keith is the town hero once more, after defusing the bomb Penn had planted at Kane high school. But oh no, that’s not Penn’s last limerick or his last bomb; and after a quick pitstop for a Loganica wedding, Chekhov’s “don’t forget to move your car for street cleaning” blows up and takes Logan with it. And Veronica, at last, goes to therapy, and leaves Neptune. Join Jenny Owen Youngs and Helen Zaltzman to investigate Veronica Mars season 4 episode 8: Years, Continents, Bloodshed , and get stuck into such mysteries as why the show didn't choose Jenny's sexier alternative ending, or Lo's sexier abandoned power plant, or Helen's Big Dickier decor for Big Dick’s house. Content note: Veronica Mars contains heavy themes, and this episode includes storylines concerning murder, suicide and violence. For more about this episode, and to read the transcript, visit the podcast’s official site http://VMIpod.com/4-08 . We have completed our recapping of Veronica Mars , but the pod isn't over yet! Go to vmipod.com/investigations to send us questions for Special Agent LaToya Ferguson to deal with in the impending end-of-season loose-ends-tying episode, as well as for Lo about legal stuff, and Jenny and Helen about any other business you are curious about. This episode was edited and mixed by Helen Zaltzman; the music is by Martin Austwick and Jenny Owen Youngs. Lo Dodds brings us the LoDown. Find the show @VMIpod on Twitter , Instagram and Facebook. Support the show: https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=TWQYZDRGZUGH8&source=url See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at <a href="https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info" r

A LONG TIME AGO ON VERONICA MARS : Well after last episode where people told each other the plot, things are actually happening! Penn is, at last, the suspect for three of the bombings. Hot on his trail, the Marses interrupt his sexy minibreak with Carol to grab him and get that $250,000 reward - but Dodie and Alonzo show up to take out Veronica! But then , the PCHers turn up! and Weevil calls off the killing with a bat of his very powerful eyelashes. Richard Casablancas buys Matty a car to persuade her to sell him the Sea Sprite, but he might regret it because here she is breaking into his house. He also might regret fucking over Clyde, who made the mistake of taking a Casablancas’s word as a binding agreement. Never again! Heartbreak too for Veronica as she admits to Nicole that she bugged her office, and Nicole immediately ends their friendship. Heartbreak for us as Veronica has sexy sex with Leo but it’s all just a dream! With Wallace watching, weird. The shootout with Dodie and Alonzo prompts the Marses to make big changes. Keith wants out of the PI life before Veronica gets hurt. And Veronica accepts Logan’s proposal. Join Jenny Owen Youngs and Helen Zaltzman to investigate Veronica Mars season 4 episode 7: Gods of War , and get stuck into such mysteries as how long Big Dick and Clyde been working together, what other careers Dodie and Alonzo could thrive in, and why they tell us about the nails So. Many. Times!!! Content note: Veronica Mars contains heavy themes, and this episode includes storylines concerning murder and violence. For more about this episode, and to read the transcript, visit the podcast’s official site http://VMIpod.com/4-07 . The end of the season is looming, so go to vmipod.com/investigations to send us questions for Special Agent LaToya Ferguson to deal with in the impending end-of-season loose-ends-tying episode, as well as for Lo about legal stuff, and Jenny and Helen about any other business you are curious about. This episode was edited and mixed by Helen Zaltzman; the music is by Martin Austwick and Jenny Owen Youngs. Lo Dodds brings us the LoDown. Find the show @VMIpod on Twitter , Instagram and Facebook. We also have MERCH - get your pins to show your love for Weevil or non-love for milk at hellomerch.com/collections/veronica-mars-investigations . Support the show: https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=TWQYZDRGZUGH8&source=url See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info .

A LONG TIME AGO ON VERONICA MARS : OK, here’s what we know about the bombings now: Big Dick did the Sea Sprite one. Clyde did the Perry Walsh one. The rest are still unaccounted for - but there might be something in the FBI’s theory that a serial killer has been operating in Neptune for years, so the Marses investigate some deaths registered as accidental but maybe not. Big Dick and Clyde know that Keith knows that they’ve been buying up property with all those shell companies and leaving dead ducks in Penn’s bed. Places Veronica will go: the strip club, to see Vinnie; the Pi Sig house, to see some frats; Dodie and Alonzo’s room, to snoop; and Comrade Quacks, to get drunk and dance with her two sexiest friends Nicole and Leo. Places Veronica won’t go: couples therapy with Logan. Logan has been called back to active duty though in an undisclosed location for an undisclosed length of time, so their relationship will just have to fix itself in absentia. Before he left, though, Logan managed to track down Daniel Maloof’s hacker, a neo-Nazi teen who has noticed that Daniel transferred a large amount of Bitcoin to two Mexican assassins. Oh and in case you forgot, Veronica is into The Big Lebowski . Join Jenny Owen Youngs and Helen Zaltzman to investigate Veronica Mars season 4 episode 6: Entering a World of Pain , and probe such mysteries as whether you can just show up and declare a restraining order on someone, why we are made to endure the Pi Sig frats again, whether it's ok to gift a taser to your teen protegee, and why this show is trying to shame Daniel Maloof for his kink rather than for keeping his computer password on a post-it. Content note: Veronica Mars contains heavy themes, and this episode includes storylines concerning violence. For more about this episode, and to read the transcript, visit the podcast’s official site http://VMIpod.com/4-06 . The end of the season is looming, so go to vmipod.com/investigations to send us questions for Special Agent LaToya Ferguson to deal with in the impending end-of-season loose-ends-tying episode, as well as for Lo about legal stuff, and Jenny and Helen about any other business you are curious about. This episode was edited and mixed by Helen Zaltzman; the music is by Martin Austwick and Jenny Owen Youngs. Lo Dodds brings us the LoDown. Find the show @VMIpod on Twitter , Instagram and Facebook. Support the show: https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=TWQYZDRGZUGH8&source=url See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info .